strange to realize concretely that love, attraction, and compatibility don’t necessarily come hand in hand. you’d think they would.

…or well, i grew up thinking they would. i guess i was being naive.

maybe i didn’t want to acknowledge the possibility because of what it could make real. being attracted to someone you can’t truly love. falling in love with someone who’s completely incompatible. being compatible and loving someone but not finding them attractive.

it’s all just… sad..

it’s hard enough to find someone and want the same thing from them as they do from you. add in all that and i don’t even know what to say.

how the hell did people get married and make such huge life decisions in their early 20s generations ago? i’m 25 now, and i feel like i am standing in the thick of a storm. it’s like i’m being blown every which way life pleases and the only thing anchoring me down is my sense of self. my grasp is all but firm though, and i feel like i’m just getting buffeted more and more.

i wish i knew more of what i wanted and needed out of life, relationships, experiences, everything. people always tell you to follow your heart or go after your dreams and do what makes you happy, but that’s the thing.

how do you even know what will make you happy? it’s easy to plan, honestly, and working hard is doable. but how do you even know which way to go and where to spend your energy? how do you know when to give up? how do you know which thoughts and feelings you can trust and which are just your issues getting in the way?

i know the realistic answer is that you don’t, and that’s just how life is. but god, i swear… sometimes i wish i just knew so that i could have more confidence in my actions.

stop

all I want is just to feel you
everything just looks so see through
nothing works quite like it’s supposed to
never thought that I would be you

in another way I feel
so much more than what seems real
all we are are just two lost souls
but we don’t know where the light goes

the feelings that usually come at the start of classes were no different this semester. hesitation, anxiety, and dread welcomed me back into their embrace. it’s always frustrating, but frustration has a way of building upon itself. thus, i found myself more introspective than usual - desperate for an explanation, any alleviation.

why am i feeling this way? what about the start of classes fills me with such apprehension?

after turning it over in my head for awhile, it came to me. the ideas aren’t particularly new, but i don’t think i’ve ever been able to tie it all together and sum it up so concretely.

i have never learned the value of effort or how to appreciate it. i was raised to focus only on achieving high marks, and now it’s all i care about. if i can’t do it, i may as well give up because nothing else matters - only results matter.

to sum it up in a word, it’s perfectionism. and while that doesn’t sound like much, it has become disabling. 

it’s a destructive pattern. my expectations for myself are set high, my focus on them make it all or nothing, and then i end up choosing nothing for as long as i can due to anxiety and fear. of course, that often fucks me over in the end, and i become even more afraid of not meeting my expectations. worse, i start doubting my ability, making my self-esteem plummet.

it’s a shame it took me so long to see this in myself, but i’m glad i’m finally recognizing it as i’ve been doing this for years. i wasn’t really in the position to do much about it last year, as it was so overwhelming. the fact that i’m not drowning this year seems to be a sign that i’m doing better.

it seems i have to teach myself how to appreciate trying my best and learn that my best is the most i can ask for.

so here’s to a step in the right direction. here’s to accepting more gray.

Due to my flight being delayed, I am currently sitting at LAX trying to kill time. Having spent the last few days with my family, I have unwittingly found myself reflecting on them.

On the ride over here, I felt so at peace (proud, even!) with how the holiday went. My sister and I spent a good deal of time trying to do things for my parents, actually got a lot done, and spent large amounts of time with them without any drama. My mom even seemed thankful for once at our efforts. Unprecedented and unexpected, considering that my sister and I both live far away now for a reason. It was just a nice feeling to see how far we had come. I was happy and grateful with how things had turned out, despite our history.

We’d survived the few days out of the year that we actually spend together as a complete family, and they were all coming to see me off at the airport. My dad was driving, my mom was in the front seat, and my sister and I were sitting in the back on our usual sides of the car. Watching the L.A. nightscape whip by on the vast 405 was so familiar to me, but it felt changed. I felt changed.

Before, when I’d go back to the valley, I felt like I had to slip back into the role I had before leaving - a role of peacemaking. It was suffocating and frustrating because doing so merely allowed us to avoid issues, not solve them. This time, it felt like I could actually step out of that role a bit more and solve a few problems without igniting the usual arguments. Like there was room for my adult self to carry over into my family life and act, be acknowledged. I guess I felt like I had more control over our relationships, and that was super exciting. It was a far cry from the helplessness I felt growing up.

Of course, it wouldn’t be my family without drama. Waiting here, I’ve received texts that have reminded me how some things don’t change, and how they’ll likely never change. They remind me that the ugliness is still there, under everything. A deep layer, not easily touched.

I feel sad and a little bitter now because I felt so great on the ride over here. I desperately want to hold onto those feelings, but I’m afraid to. I recognize now that what I felt was a flicker of hope, but I’d given up so long ago on the dynamics of my family changing, that it might take on the semblance of something real.

I guess for now, I’ll just have to wait and try not to care too much about what happens. Sometimes it’s hard to be apathetic.

Oh, even if all the tears of the world
Are welled up in my small eyes
I wish I could shed your tears as well

You just had to meet me when I was at rock bottom
Whenever you smile, my heart aches
To me, everything is guilt
Is that a half-smile?
Is that a smile that did not fully bloom because it doesn’t know a different world?
You say you’re alright but I guess I can only give you the state of being alright
Because I hated to show you this small and embarrassing empty hand,
Like a fool, I make your extended hand, an empty hand too
Earlier, maybe later – why couldn’t we have met when there was good news?
You could’ve rested under the sunlight in a green forest
But you, who walks with me in the rain under my rain cloud,
My love, an unfortunate person
This isn’t how my heart is
I didn’t become your better half in hope that you’d take half of my unhappiness

You just had to meet me when I was at rock bottom
The sound of your cries make my heart ache, to me
Even though I want to comfort you, I’m exhausted and my face grows dark
I can’t make you laugh and I put you to bed, who passed out from crying
My stopped two hands are your watch
What has crumbled is not mine but your future
But why is it when I see you are different when you wake up
I think of my own reality that hasn’t grown a single inch
I’m sorry – even if I say it thousands of times, I’m sorry again
That this small room and this low ceiling is the sky
That I am your umbrella and the rain

Goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight
Good morning

Baby I’ll try
Someday, I will be happiness to you
Try
Someday, I’ll be the best for you
Try
Today, it’s just words but girl I’ll try
Baby I’ll try
Someday, I’ll give the whole world to you
Try
If I can’t, I’ll change the world for you
Try
Today, it’s just words but girl I’ll try